Another meal for one, under the bright, moonlit, incredibly romantic, sky and Ellen was getting twitchy for a change. It was a new year and time for a new beginning. If she wanted a mate, and she did, she really did, something had to be done.
Ellen, was a natural bombshell-stunner, she always had been a vision of beauty. One would think the result of which would be the recipe for hundreds of dates, however, this was just not the case. Yes, she had many, many admirers but most were generally too shy to approach her, and the ones who did, well, if they didn’t stammer over their words and give up, they were far too cocky in Ellen’s opinion, and only interested in a pretty bird on their arm. She wanted a partner who would love her for her wit, brain and inner beauty. Not just for her petite facial features, large alluring eyes and plump breast, for Ellen was the most voluptuous, seductive owl I believe you will have ever seen.
She came up with a cunning plan to decipher the shallow male potentials from the genuine. She joined a dating website, added all the usual information about her favourite films, hobbies, activities, but when it came to the profile picture, she had an idea. With some model making clay, she cleverly gave herself a nose job.
It worked, nobody seemed to notice the colossal, beaky extension as a piece of fakery. Her first date with Allen the flamingo, was well, confusing. She didn’t mind the ‘Hairspray’ musical and she thoroughly enjoyed the lengthy conversations about shoes, but when they got to dinner, he, on more than one occasion pinched the bottom of the hot, Spanish waiter, and she thought that he probably wasn’t all that interested in her, truthfully. Her second online match Henry, was a right cock (a conservative rooster). She was a lefty, it was never going to work. Her third potential, Warren the wren, got off to a good start, but a few dates later proved that the old saying was true, size did matter.
Three lousy blokes later and she was back surfing the site again. ‘Where was her knight in shining armour to swoop her off her talons?’ There was a new addition to the listing. A very handsome peacock called Francis. ‘Ooo’ and she liked his profile information. He is well travelled, favourite food is dormouse (the same as hers), his favourite pastime is playing the electric guitar and to top it off, he was GORGEOUS. Nope, she wouldn’t contact him, he’d be just like all the other handsome fellas, a pretty picture but a total birdbrain.
A day passed and ‘beep beep’, one new message in her inbox. She clicked the link and to her surprise, Francis had sent her an invitation to meet. Well, perhaps she would give him a go, after all, they did seem to have a lot in common. She was always punctual and she got to the restaurant ten minutes early. With a glass of wine to calm her nerves, the nose extension in place, she awaited his arrival. The blue tit waiter approached her with the menu and as he did, he tripped and fell towards Ellen, knocking her wine down her plumage. ‘What an absolute TIT’ she thought and she ran off to the ladies room to clean up the mess. When she returned to the table she was all a fluster and not at all in the mood for a date. She waited over half an hour for Francis, but he never showed. She wondered if she missed him whilst she was in the bathroom removing all traces of the wine incident.
At home there was a message in her inbox from Francis saying that he was terribly sorry to have missed the date but there was an emergency and he couldn’t make it. He wanted to make it up to her and invited her out again, this time to go rollerskating. She accepted and they arranged to meet by the fountain in the city centre. She sat on the edge on the fountain wall, again ten minutes early and kept a look out for a handsome peacock. From out of nowhere, the waiter from the other night, the blue tit, came speeding towards her, and flew straight into the fountain taking her with him. ‘SPLASH!’ They both got up, absolutely drenched with water. “It’s you again, you tit” she hooted at him. He gurgled, with his head half under the water “Giimmm slooorrrpppppyyyy . . .(spurt) . . . I’m sorry”. They stood in front of one another, eye to eye. “What on earth are you doing here, again?” There was a silence and he looked at her straight in the eyes and held her gaze. Then he fell over again ‘SPLASH’ and she noticed his roller skates. She began to think that this was more than just a coincidence. “Francis?” she asked. He nodded. With a raised voice she shouted at him “you deceived me with your picture, you’re supposed to be a peacock not a great tit’. He said “here I think you dropped something” as he passed her a wonky, clay beak “and I’m a blue tit, but it doesn’t matter. You’re right. I am a GIGANTIC tit.” Ellen sheepishly took the misshapen clay nose and her cheeks turned a lovely crimson colour. “It seems we both might have told a few pork pies”. She smiled and he did also. He had a truly beautiful smile and Ellen’s heart began to beat slightly faster. He took her wing and lead her out of the water onto dry land. They skated and skated, until their feathers had completely dried. She was thoroughly enjoying herself and even allowed herself to daydream about names for their children. Near the top of one of particularly steep hill, just as they turned a steep corner going high speed down hill, Francis couldn’t put his brakes on quick enough and he bumped Ellen off the edge of the hill side. The added weight of her skates meant her little wings couldn’t fly and just as she was free falling fast, and her very single life began to flash before her eyes, in from nowhere swooped a golden eagle, who clutched her in his firm grip, moments before she plummeted into the ground beneath. As she lay in his wings, looking up, with the world soaring past them at high speed, she knew he was ‘The One’. Forget the little tit, he was a liability. This magnificent creature was the knight in shining gold armour she’d always dreamt of.
The end.